I’m a Jerk.
So have you ever had a moment of clairvoyance?
Or a premonition of sorts?
When you can see something that is totally about to happen
Like literally moments before it happens?
Well, today I had one such experience.
So every morning I go to our student union on campus
To read and study for a little bit before my first class.
And I sit in this giant open room that is set up like an old logging lounge
It has like old style furniture, wood floors, a fireplace, etc.
And it’s always really quiet and uneventful
Because the people that are chilling in there are usually studying or napping.
Well, today excitement came a calling.
So I’m in there studying away
(Like the good student I am)
And I happen to look up and notice a guy walking into the room
Which is usually nothing out of the ordinary.
But this guy, was walking at a rather feverish pace
And in one hand he had a full venti coffee
And in the other, a phone.
So of course,
With phone out
And head down
He was frantically texting away
Paying no mind to the environment around him.
And as I watched him walk in
I could see that he was on a direct course towards a chair.
And for a brief moment I thought about yelling out to him.
But for some reason I decided to just let things play out
And see what would happen
I mean, who am I to intervene with fate?!
Well inevitably,
He and the chair met.
Awkwardly,
And rather violently.
And as he started to fall
There was a look on his face
That I can’t really describe.
But I imagine that in his head at that moment
He was desperately trying to decide which item in his hand to bail
In order to brace himself when he was going to hit the ground.
What shall it be
The coffee or the phone?
Coffee?
Phone?
Coffee?
Phone?
Ultimately, he decided to surrender both
Which was a good move on his part,
But by that point
It was a little too late.
Hesitation at that moment was not his friend.
The coffee went flying,
Crashing and spilling all over the floor.
The phone hit the ground and slid away
And the guy,
Though managing to get his hands down
Still hit the floor with a thud and kind of bounced
Like a deflated basketball.
Chair: 1
Floor: 1
Random guy: 0
Watching this reminded me of the time I was in high school
And saw one of my teachers like fall up the stairs
Which is kind of unusual in itself
Because you know, usually you fall down stairs.
But what was even more interesting
Is that he fell up the stairs…
With his hands in his pockets!
Now, I’m not sure if anyone else has ever witnessed something like this.
But seriously, it’s quite possibly one of the funniest things ever!
And you may be thinking right now
That I’m a total jerk for poking fun at this.
But until you’ve witnessed it for yourself, please don’t judge.
Seriously, it was phenomenal.
He was like coming up the stairs and was coming off the top step
And caught his back toe on it
Which threw his weight forward in a rush
And having no hands out to like balance himself out
He began a swift descent downward.
And he’s like struggling to get his hands out of his pockets
Kind of flopping about like a fish out of water
But in his old age, he wasn’t agile enough
The hands stayed tucked away deep in his pockets
And he did a very ungraceful belly flop right on the floor.
Actually, I’m not sure I would call it so much a belly flop
As I would a face flop.
His head seemed to absorb most of the impact.
Poor Mr. Hightonfeld.
In the end though, he was okay.
Just a few bruises and a swollen forehead.
So what is the point of all this?
1. Don’t text and walk.
2. Don’t walk with your hands in your pockets.
3. I think I’m kind of a jerk.
There’s blood in my mouth,
Because I’ve been biting my tongue all week…
-Jason
